New Life Presbyterian Church of Dresher

Hope and a Future

A few years ago I was a broken person, going through a divorce at only age 27. I was filled with guilt and shame and tried to hide myself from the world. Never again would I be able to live the carefree life only a twenty-something can live. I had become what I swore could never happen to me; I was a statistic, and I mourned. I mourned for my youth, I mourned the death of my marriage, and I mourned the children I would not have. I was overwhelmed by what seemed like an inconsolable grief. I was sure I'd be alone the rest of my life. Not only would I be a single woman, but a divorced one at that. Gone was the idea that I would have the perfect life, and the perfect job, with the perfect family and home. I had messed up, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I was filled with hopelessness. That's a strong statement for someone my age to say, to not have any hope. It goes beyond being suicidal, it means not even caring if you live or die. I couldn't imagine anything in my future, nor did I care.

My parents grew more and more concerned, and finally my mother begged me to do something. I reluctantly went to a divorce recovery seminar that just happened to be organized by a Christian group. There, they encouraged me to just open the Bible and read. However, the last thing on my mind was reaching out to God! If God was so good, why did he allow this to happen to me? But at the same time that I was cloaking myself in grief, I also yearned to be comforted. I broke down and admitted how much pain I was in, and what happened was amazing: God reached out to me! HE planted a seed of hope in my heart, and it began to grow. I see now how the Lord systematically put people in my life, and how He put me in places where I could learn about his plan for me. You see, I was forgiven because of what Jesus did on the cross. I was stunned that even after all I had done in my life, God would look on me as one of his very own children. And for the first time, I prayed sincerely and asked Jesus into my life.

My life did change. Slowly I learned how to be content in my own thoughts. I learned that I have value just because God created me, and I felt like a new person. It hasn't always been easy, though. I still worry sometimes about my past sins and sometimes still have a lot of doubts. It's hard to let go of the tyrannical, punishing picture of God I grew up with. I worry about how to live, how to develop my relationship with the Lord, even how to pray. But of course God knows this and lets me feel his presence. One of the issues I pray about is my faith, and trusting the Lord with my life; a difficult task for the self-reliant person I have now become. But I have a special reminder. A year after becoming a Christian, I had an experience in which God directly answered some of my prayers.

I was called into a last minute business trip to Chicago, where my company was based at the time. After a frantic day of meetings, I was able to catch an evening flight home. Twenty minutes from Philadelphia, the pilot informed us we were headed into bad weather and to prepare for a rough landing. Outside the window, I could see clouds as well as lightning. The plane soon started to shake and swerve. I watched in awe as the thunderstorm tossed the jet plane like it was made of paper. Suddenly, the plane dropped straight down, lifting me right out of my seat! The other passengers cried out in fear. The woman next to me actually whimpered as she clung to her husband, but I was alone. I realized for the first time in my life I was in a situation where I could actually die, and so I started to pray. I realized, however, that I wasn't asking God to spare my life. Instead, I told God I was afraid and I asked for his comfort. You see, I wasn't alone. Should I die on that plane, I would simply be going home to my Father. I had heard other Christians express this faith, but had never really understood it. My fear subsided and was replaced with an incredible sense of peace. God was with me and always had been. Instead of the fears and doubts of the previous year, I felt a security that was absolutely precious to me. I finally understood that my life was OK as it was, even if I didn't have the perfect job, the perfect husband or the children I so desperately wanted. Oh, I still wanted those things, but I was willing to put my trust in God's hands-I knew He knew what was best for me- I had faith. I thanked God for his grace and mercy, and prayed for my family instead, that they too would have this same precious gift.

That was two years ago, and I've grown quite a bit. But sometimes, it's still hard being faithful and obedient. Sometimes I still have to remind myself of the gentle message the Lord revealed to me on that night. Sometimes I'd rather give into my old self-satisfying desires. But deep down, I am thankful for the changes in my life, for my relationship with Jesus, and I know I really don't want to go back to that old way of living. Hope is a good thing!

"For I know the plans I have for you,"
declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,
and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when
you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13